


not the world we dreamed of

by BinBingBong



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Pointless, RaBin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27438742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BinBingBong/pseuds/BinBingBong
Summary: like watching a car crash, you're helpless and frozen, not being able to look awaythat's how Wonshik felt
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	not the world we dreamed of

**Author's Note:**

> TW // 7th August

_**What other paradise is there than a world that understands people and respects their differences?** _

_**When we get angry at others and blame them unfairly; by doing so we turn their worlds upside down.** _

_**No one is perfect. Everyone is lacking and even if we make a mistake, I hope we can make ourbworkd a paradise where we can forgive and love with loving each other. — RAVI**_

The familiar ringtone rings and Wonshik's turns in his chair. It is a useless effort, the battle has been lost and he's chasing after a mere shadow. He shakes his head when the fears come seeping through and tells himself it's not the end, it's not how this ends and presses the call button again. The familiar ringtone is so loud today, screaming at him; what once we're melodic lyrics, a promise of their bond and journey is now a mock to his face. ''half of my; youth spent with you," only half of it. 

Just half of it.

….

Days go by and nothing changes , only that Wonshik has gotten tired of those lyrics that come stabbing his heart through the speaker of his phone. The phone rings and quiets, the call connects and ends. There's not even a voice message, nothing but automatic robotic responses. 

And maybe ...perhaps, Wonshik sighs and rests his head on his mixing table ...he's started to realize that it's all real. 

....

Wonshik's stares at the endless stream of messages he's sent with no replies. The number "768" on the top mocks at him. Hundreds of messages from dozens of people, countless friends, yet only he wants to see is a reply from this chat. "Hongbin…" 

He types again, and presses send without a moment of hesitation. What dignity is left at this point. What's the use of holding back. Everything has fallen apart and he'd be lying if he said he tried to prevent it; hell. Wonshik runs a tired hand in his hair, he didn't even know things would take a turn to this direction. When they did, when everything started talking apart, starting dispensing away, like little dust particles or chips of dried paper...all Wonshik could do was watch helplessly. Not because his hands were tied or feet glued to the ground, but because all the strength in his to move had left him.

Betrayal. 

....

The cracks were always present, pulled together by the fragile threads of hope and fake words of a promise they made… how ridiculous; that they thought they were the ones who controlled their destinies. Now it was clear, getting clearer like a steamy mirror would, that they were mere puppets. Marionettes hanging by the thin threads, desperately clinging to their caterers and images, praying and hoping the world would spare them from the sharp end of a knife that would end their lives with one stroke.

The stitches opened one by one like they would on a knitted sweater when stretched too far and everything they struggled to keep out got in. 

.....

Wonshik stares at the door, his breathing labored and still uneven. The doorman said the van left five minutes ago. Hongbin was taken to base by his friend and roommate. 

He stands there for countless seconds; his white shoes gather dust and people give him curious looks. It isn't until his legs give out under him that he drags his feet back to his car. 

"Was he there?" Sanghyuk's message reads and Wonshik writes back a no with shaking hands.

The tears come when he's speeding on the road with no particular destination in mind.

The tears stop only when he falls asleep with his head in his mother's lap. Two old eyes watching his with grief and worry, hopeless and powerless to help. 

....

The app mocks him everytime he opens it; no updates, no photos, no letters. 

No reply.

After Hongbin posts on his forum Wonshik stares at his chat for hours after; hoping, desperately, for Hongbin to contact him– anyone. 

He sleeps that night, with no desire to wake up. 

....

Weeks spent in the company's studio– it's almost like as of he's teleported back to the past where his only goal was the finish the track. When he would abuse his keyboard after a long scolding from his producer with determination to fix the base and sync the music until it's perfect. 

But the difference is that he's doing nothing productive these days and it's been weeks since he even write down one line of notes. He scrolls through his mentions; filled with greetings and thoughts from fans until he stops on one. Its an old picture, once he barely remembers taking. He stares at it until his eyes sting; he touches his cheeks and realizes they are wet with tears.

He saves the picture and lays on the couch in the small room. Pulling the blanket that doesn't belong to him and hopes for a few hours of sleep.

He dreams of an old memory, of loud laughter and smiling dimples, of joy and comfort. He dreams of a world that now feels like a distant memory....A miracle; an impossibility. 

......

If you told Wonshik an year ago that he would have to go without talking to any member of his for eight months, he would have looked at you with confused eyes because that was literally impossible.

Hakyeon sighs putting down his chopsticks and lays his head in Wonshik's lap. Wonshik makes a fake sounds of complain as he continues to browse through the movie list. They were both tired and worn out after coming from Sanghyuk's movie premier and neither of them had bothered to make conversation. When Hakyeon invited Wonshik up he had gone without further prompt because the premier food had left his belly upset and he knew Hakyeon would have homemade food. 

They are what they could and soon into the movie, Wonshik too fell alseep; uncomfortable in his position in effort to not move so Hakyeon isn't disturbed.

Later that night he wakes up with his phone vibrating in his jeans. He looks around to see Hakyeon is no longer with him and a blanket has been spread on his body. 

The call is from Hyuk. He ignores it in favor of looking for Hakyeon. The older man is asleep on his bed, only a dim blue light lit in his room. Wonshik turns quietly on his socked feet to leave when he catches sight of a frame left in the corner of Hakyeon's room. A white sheet is drapped over it yet still Wonshik recognizes it. 

They all had one copy framed for themselves and his own hangs in his apartment he barely returns to. Wonshik crouches down to remove the sheet from the frame.

It is from the last comeback promotions; when they had taken a trip to jeju to celebrate a good release. Taekwoon had whined all the time that they should have brought the managers to help them with chores and Hakyeon forcefully made them all wake up at dawn to appreciate the view. 

That was the last trip they took together. 

His hears the sheets shuffle behind him. Hakyeon's voice come hoarse and tired but so quiet and sad 

"It hurt to keep looking at it that's why I– "

Hakyeon doesn't say more and Wonshik doesn't look back.

He leaves the house in quick steps. Tears are useless and familiar but he would be damned if he cried in front of Hakyeon. It would be twice the torture.

.....

"Hongbin's on a leave," Sanghyuk says the moment he shuts the car door. Wonshik's stares at him , waiting for him to continue but the younger says nothing. 

"At his parents home?" He asks finally and Sanghyuk shakes his head.

"I read his post of his forum,I think he's with his Grandma," 

Sanghyuk looks at him with unspoken words in his eyes, they both know Hongbin rarely writes with detail and if he left enough hints for Sanghyuk to know where he was–

Wonshik speeds the entire way. Sanghyuk doesn't say a word about how they had a meeting with a composer; it doesn't matter. 

The walk up the mountain is hell and they're both heaving by the time they reach Hongbin's grandmother's house. Its the same as always, not that they came here often.

It had been years since they were last here, when they were rookies and came to take break here. Hongbin's Grandma made them pumpkin pies and gave them juices from fresh tangerines. It was one of the things that made it worth the high climb up.

The birds chirping and the sound of the forest is overwhelming and the marble floor is pleasantly cool to touch. 

Nothing much has changed. Except that the plants and flowers are less , the chickens coups gone and the rabbits no where to be found.

They take off their shoes and walk the short distance to the entrance. The slide doors are open and there's soft murmuring coming from inside.

One is weaker than the other. Wonshik recognizes both perfectly.

Sanghyuk looks at his with unsure eyes and Wonshik looks back until he realizes the younger is waiting for him. So he knocks his knuckles on the wooden doors.

"Oh my, who is is? Come in," comes the weak old voice and they both hesitantly take the step inside the house.

Entering what Wonshik remembered was Hongbin's grandmother's room; they're greeted by curious eyes.

Wonshik only catches a glimpse of the old woman who sits up slowly at their arrival. But Wonshik only sees the way Hongbin's eyes widen like saucers in disbelief and shock. He doesn't know why he is … or maybe he does; he just doesn't understand.

"Oh my come in boys," his grandma waves them both in and Sanghyuk moves faster than Wonshik has the ability too. They both kneel in from of her as she kisses their foreheads and talks about how it's been forever since she saw them. 

They both smile, tightly and answer her questions. Hongbin stays frozen in his spot and watched them with ... unreadable expressions.

"You're both so handsome now, hyogah you have grown like a fruitful tree," she says with overflowing fondness, "Hongbinah, what are you sitting here for, go fetch the dumplings and the mushroom soup I made,"

She scold and Hongbin scrambles to his feet with a quickness like he had been burned. "Ah this boy, he won't leave my side. So annoying. I told him to take a walk but he rather act like an old soul and stay inside,"

"Im so glad you visited, it is so hard to see my sons now," she smiles woefully, Wonshik ducks his head with embarrassment. It is true, they rarely ever saw each other's families like they once used to.

Hongbin's Grandma have gotten old, she coughs and struggles to sit and Wonshik's heart aches. He remembers when she would cook and clean for them with so much energy and love. 

Looking at her now, she's just a hollow shell, weak and wasting away. 

He thinks if Hongbin, of the future where she's no more and his heart screams with agony when he thinks of the pain and sorrow Hongbin will feel.

He doesn't think he can handle it. How will Hongbin…

They eat as they talk with grandma and Hongbin stays for a while until he makes an excuse of a call and leaves.

They talk until she can't anymore and tells them to enjoy themselves as she sleeps. They leave the house with hushed footsteps.

Hongbin's sitting on one of the cemented benches looking out into the trees and they both can't find the courage to walk up to him.

Its getting darker and Wonshik mildly registers in the back of his head that he'll have trouble driving in the dark through the forest roads.

He hears a sniffle. Sanghyuk's eyes are filled with tears and the youngest is shaking where they both standing, twenty feet behind Hongbin.

"Hyung–" says Sanghyuk, his voice small and desperate. Wonshik doesn't miss the way Hongbin's body jerks at the call of his name. 

"Hyung please–" Sanghyuk take a a few steps until he's right behind where Hongbin's is sitting as still as a rock. Its been years since Wonshik saw Hyuk cry and his own eyes are blurry and chest tight with pain and helplessness.

"Leave Hyukah, please. Go," his voice is wet and thick and it makes Wonshik dart forward until he facing Hongbin.

Hongbin turns his head and stands up. His hands come up to wipe his face and eyes roughly.

"Leave, don't make me say it again," there's a failed attempt of malice in his voice but it's as broken as Wonshik feels. 

"Why?!" Wonshik snaps, and Sanghyuk takes a hicupping breath, "until how long will you keep doing this?" He almost shouts but the tears choke him. 

Hongbin doesn't reply but he turns his back on Wonshik, now facing Sanghyuk who's eyes are shinning with fresh tears and face crumpled. He looks so young and hopeless; and so so desperate that it makes Wonshik loose control. 

"Stop being selfish, you're not doing anyone a favor with your behavior!" 

And when had Hongbin ever been the one to stand and listen. He whips around and stares back into Wonshik's eyes.

His next words are filled with anger but all Wonshik can see is the pain behind the brown orbs that he's trying to conceal. 

_"I can't do it any more_ " these words keep replaying in his head even after he drops off Hyuk and comes to his apartment.

_"You think I'm purposely doing this, but you're wrong_ "

Wonshik turns and tosses, willing his thoughts to quiet down.

_"Every part in my is broken and I can't put myself together"_

Sleep never came easy to him but it had never been this torturous to wait.

_"You think your forgiveness is all I need? No, if I can't accept myself, if I can't forgive myself, how am I supposed to be able to face you?"_

" _I'm sorry, but it isn't enough to say that. It never will be. I cant make it right. And even the thought of you is a knife to my broken bits"_

" _I'm begging you, I'm being selfish and begging you, leave please. It hurts. I can't handle it"_

Wonshik doesn't sleep that night. Fate is not kind to him.

It is the worst kind of reminder. That some things are beyond repair. He can't will them to be better again. 

Their dam was broken, hatches compromised and no matter how much Wonshik tried to, he couldn't hold the water in his palms. 

It kept slipping out…

_**I hope you don't blame yourself too hard when you make a mistake.** _

_**Its something I use to do but I hope you don't blame yourself or others too harshly by their mistakes.** _

_**Whatever the other's mistake was, don't judge them too hard.** _

_**Whatever your mistake was, don't judge yourself too hardly either.** _

_**I wish you all have your own standards and values in life, amd I just think it'd be nice to be able to respect and love others despite their flaws. — RAVI** _

**Author's Note:**

> ...sighs.  
> I have been... trying to write again. I know my writing isn't too tier but every writing requires a brain to ... function. And when I open my docs my mind cruelly takes me back to... everything and it ends up in a breakdown.
> 
> There are still nights I cry myself to sleep. It's not easy. Something I had constant for seven years...
> 
> This isn't something I planned to write, not anything i WANTED to write.  
> I was talking to someone yesterday and she's a Korean 🌟. She said she's sure Wonshik misses Hongbin.  
> She pointed out the Paradise album introduction (the text in bold at that start) and she pointed out Wonshik's words from his vlive (the ones at end)
> 
> We talked about how many of his lyrics pointed mildly towards Hongbin's situation and how his mental from radio shows felt... connected. And since they're words, not hope, I let myself be comforted by them. Im letting myself believe that when Wonshik said "I'll cover your index finger" when he said "so many celebrities are suffering from hate and accusations" he said those with Hongbin in mind.  
> And there's been SO MANY things he said and I'm not even delusional with this...
> 
> Believe it or not, as sad as this is , it's something I wrote to comfort myself and it helped. Writing out my thoughts, dark or stupid, always helps me.  
> I picked up my phone and hour ago and ended up with 2k words when I'm still struggling to pick up my previous stories.
> 
> This is just... pointless. Not even anything comforting, it's just what I wrote. I didn't plan to publish this but I realized when I started getting dms on Twitter bc of my tweet for this fic that I will feel bad if I send everyone the doc that will make them feel sad so I took the easy way out.
> 
> Hope you guys are doing ok. I apologise if you read it this far and got sad.
> 
> Talk to me in the comments or Twitter. I'll hear you out.


End file.
